Brief Interlude

For now, I have returned to the vacuous space which is Co-op while I serve the last few shifts of my notice before embarking on....well....I'm not quite sure what at present, but I'm sure there will be a fair amount of mulling, mooching and melancholy before I regain some form of purpose.

Today however was much of the same gumpf which I have been happily un-missing in my recuperation...many people moaning and groaning as to the price of food stuffs, unscanning and uncooperative BOGOF's, unrealistic expectations 'A tenner for cash' or 'Tesco does' and down right blatant thievery....of which I single handily brought to a stop this afternoon when some young upstart armed with a giant shopping bag attempted to make off with a shelf full of Ferrero Roche (obviously he has his own embassy to run and as everyone is feeling the pinch this Christmas)....after clocking me stocking sheves in the aisle he was about to pinch from he moved on to the Christmas display round the corner. I followed and stood over his shoulder, which went down as well as a fart in a sleeping bag, until he muttered something about not being a thief and wandered toward the 'in' door....located adjacent to the 'exit' door out of which I stepped, cutting off the cunning, sticky fingered assailant in his escape. I stood my ground asking to see the content of his shopping bag...he feigned ignorance until I called to a colleague (who was well out of earshot unbeknownst to the young thief) who quickly gave up the contents before hotfooting away empty handed...yay me.

Green-Eyed Guy also put in an appearance on Monday....quite possibly the final time I shall stutter my way through some inane conversation in the hope he should see my amazingness in Co-op packaging....though he did show some concern as to my back strain and the fact that my home shall once again be Bognor Regis rather than Worthing (for those not in the know Bognor Regis is, in the UK, what Homer Simpson is as a poster child for a Health and Fitness drive ).....meh, I have 5 more shifts and but two in which I know Green- Eyed Guy may put in an appearance....after which I'm sure he'll be pleased to once more go about his shopping without the blithering and slightly stalky checkout girl.

Also today one of my colleagues challenged me to a 'word of the day' type thingy...since I have a habit of confuzzling many members of staff by using English.......from my academic days. Today young Eli, not satisfied with my 'combobulation' demanded a word of at least 6 letters beginning with 'P'......'pyschoanalytical' is the first thing which came to mind, granted it doesn't often come up in everyday conversation, and kudos to Eli for not suggesting that it actually began with an 's'.

Oh, I also have no Internet in Worthing at present so will be unable to make an entry for a week or so....the only reason I'm popping in this collection of ponderings and happenings is due to a brief excursion to the parentals and an outing to Londontown upon the morrow to an 'event'.......To Be Continued

Freaky Friday's and Holiday Plans

I'm officially counting down the days until my holiday to visit friends for some serious catching up, exploring and walking (weather permitting) and possibly some surfing down on the Cornish coast....There's a possibility I may even spark off some inspiration since my love of all things literary has taken a severe decline in recent days/weeks/months....Cornwall, for those who've never set foot in the general direction, harks back to the stormy days of smuggling/wrecking and the general debauchery of treasure seeking and unruly pirateness (a little less Disney-fied and ever-so-slightly Rummed-up Johnny Depp and a little more 'luring boats onto rocks, slitting the throats of unsuspecting sailors and making off with the illicit spoils')...something which entices a morbid fascination with my good self and was the theme of many Tom-boy adventures of my childhood.

So, yup, basically I cant wait and considering the continuation of freakishly disturbed clientele in the good ship Co-op (one of whom took umbrage to the entire shops staff and repeatedly threw obscenities at all after being asked to leave before maturely throwing his shopping at a supervisor....who wisely and sprightly side stepped the Pizza and Vodka missile)....This is, of course, after the altercation of a previous week which started with impatient, moronic, middle-aged and balding male exaggerating the diminishing lifespan of his chosen food stuffs whilst waiting for a pensioner to count out 15 pence worth of change, and ended with my ever patient-self spewing forth with the highly educated and intellectual descriptive of his character as a complete 'Tit' and vacating the till point mid transaction.....Urgh, I growl at my own red-misted inability to retort with something more satisfying and contemptuous toward the ingrate than average playground banter....but then at the time it was the only PG phrase which jumped out in my mind!

And to make matters worse, there has been a severe Green-Eyed drought in recent days...now merging into weeks...my shift patterns seemingly working against any chance of Cupid working his magic....though my in house spies have managed to deduce that Green-Eyed Guy also goes by the name of 'Rob' and likes a bacon brekkie when nursing the post Bank Holiday hang over.

And The Beat Goes On

I have come to the conclusion that weather people are a lying bunch of bastards....this week the weather has been on top form...clear blue skies, warm with a coastal breeze (ok so it was sometimes a strong coastal breeze).....and of course I've been inside a shop....working my butt off....without air conditioning for the most part.....Thursday is my day off (since I work Saturdays) and from Wednesday the weather forecasters said heavy rain was heading our way....Wednesday came and it was a lovely sunny day......due to people quitting, people being fired, people on sick leave and people on holiday, we are a tad short staffed at work at present and so when Rich asked me if I could work on Thursday....and me knowing that the forecast for Thursday was 'heavy rain'......I reluctantly agreed, since I would probably being doing 'owt anyway.....1pm-10pm were my hours and I spent them pondering all the things I could have been doing on the warm, clear and sunny day it turned out to be......Friday and Saturday were again forecast as rainy days and were again sunny....Today....Sunday....was forecast as a rainy day.....and indeed is a rainy day.....bah humbug!

Right rant over....whilst reading a daily rag this week I came across a story which suggested scientists have discovered that the common-a-garden Watermelon has properties similar to that of the fertility drug Viagra when eaten every day....is it then mere coincidence that the sales of the large juicy fruit have tripled this week?......I think not.

And while we're on the subject of customers, let me share a particularly gooey encounter......which I have entitled 'Cotton-top Gent With Drippy Nose'......'Hello' (my god, that's a big dew drop of snot hanging from the end of his nose....don't look at the nose....concentrate on packing the shopping).....'do you have a Co-op card?'.....Gent shakes his head, the globule swings....(ignore the nose.....and for god's sake don't laugh).....'would you like the receipt?'....shakes head, glob swings, strangely in slow motion, and almost detaches.....(ignore the nose....don't laugh....bite lip)....I guesstimate just how long before glob of drippy snot either a.) looses it's fight with gravity b.) ascends back from whence it came or c.) the gent in question sees fit to finally assert the use of a hankie....the answer my friends....d.) the drippy glob stands firm (so to speak) and departs the shop with its owner to pay visit with other sales assistants, take in the scenery and quite possibly end its days in the lap of an unsuspecting cotton-top on the bus ride home......it's a ponderance.

I leave you with the continuing saga of the ever-so-handsome green-eyed fella which.....er.....continued on Monday. At the end of a particularly dismal and difficult day he swooped in all sexy lookin' and emitted a smile which dang near had me all fainty on the floor.....putting my sudden flusteredness down to the busted air-con I fluttered my eyes, put on my sexy voice and demonstrated my agile scanning abilities....alas the offer of a drink remains allusive.

Humdrum with a Pinch of the Crazy

Not anything terrifically interesting to talk about really....tomorrow is the 'Audience with the Hewlett's' and anyone who knows me realises that I would have been there if I could but for a couple of factors....money and the stupidity that is my job...which means I have to work on a Saturday...until 10pm no less...so no Hewlett's for Emma....to be fair I probably scared them enough back at P2 a couple of years ago and the restraining order still has a couple of months on it, so best no rock the boat....;-)

So, what has been the highlight of my week...well let's run through shall we....work, work work (at which there's no bags, no change, no staff...too many customers, too many vouchers, too many miserable sods.....staff and customers...dodgy equipment, which is apparently my fault....and at one point no electricity...also apparently my fault.....as is the price of bread which has increased ridiculously...no air-con, because of the electrician brought in no fix the electricity problem....oh, and today a middle-aged drunk with a lazy eye announced that he prefers to be served by the 'cuddly' ladies on staff....don't really know what to do with that, except for maybe get a restraining order of my own)

What else have I been up to...um....er....um....nope....I got nothin'....oh, wait I bumped into a slightly off the ball gent, with wild hair and dressed in a pin-stripe suit who was in search of a banana to shove in the tailpipe of strange, metallic, cone shaped individuals who appeared to be vaporising cotton tops who weren't quick enough to run up flights of stairs.......hmmmmm, there is a slim chance that may have been a dream......which reminds me...the first part of the finale of Doctor Who tomorrow....Woo-hoo...which almost makes up for missing out on the Hewlett's......I said almost.

Feelin' Grumbly

In the great tradition of British summer weather's it's all gone a bit pants and things in the work place have fared no better...apparently the word is out that it's open season at Co-op and it seems like every bugger has been pinching some really random stuff...obviously wine and beer seem to walk out the store on their own but this past week has seen entire shelves of cheese, lamb joints, 185g bars of chocolate and an assortment of other bits and bobs apparently growing legs and wandering off....and for the most part there is not a jot I can do about it....not that my priority is to chase thieving toerags down the street...but the reaction on my late night Saturday shift from the customers in the store at the time was not exactly what you would call understanding.

7.30pm on a Saturday night...three (out of four) tills are open and there are four staff members in total...three of which are girls and the last a young lad of 17.....I'm wondering why we are so packed since Doctor Who is on and I'll be dammed if I'd rather be out buying a pint of milk if I had the choice.....so, like I said, we're dead busy with around 20-25 people waiting to be served...and I'm vaguely aware of a group of youngsters ( aged about 12-14) heading to the shop door looking rather shifty....I ring for the supervisor as they head out the door and hear from the awaiting customers that the little darlings have taken off with a keg of beers....the supervisor finally puts in an appearance and goes to check the CCTV...some of the customers start to tut and mutter comments under their breath along the lines of 'they've just walked out with a bunch of beers...what are you going to do about it?' to which I bluntly reply 'sod all'....apparently the customers prefer that I be in two places at once (serving them and enforcing the law) and also lay myself open to the abuse which I would no doubt get from the little 'rascals' who pinched the beer......not that any of the 20 or so people in the queue (right next to the beer shelf I might add) stepped in to suggest that the teens were too young to be messing around with alcohol and that they'd be better off going back to their mothers....oh no, apparently that's something else I'm supposed to be seeing with my third eye and dealing with my extra sensory perception....that and my obvious superpowers, which is what I would have needed if I had tried to chase after them and reclaimed the stock....and although I am indeed often mistaken for Wonder Woman, even I have to admit that is in fact where the similarities end.

So in summary...my job blows....the customers have their heads stuck firmly up their own arses, but will gladly contribute their opinions as to how I should be doing my job.....and those not sticking their oar in are probably the ones vacating the premises without paying with a basket full of cheese....oh and I forgot to mention the box of tins which split and fell on my arm this afternoon leaving me with one hell of a bruise forming....and the elderly woman and her daughter who were beaten up outside the front of the store last Monday by a woman with a baseball bat because the elderly lady didn't cross the road fast enough!!

I need a holiday...preferably somewhere like:

Gremlin's at Work

I'm pretty sure that Gremlins were are work during my shift today....you know the type....you put your keys in the basket on the side table near the door when you get in, a process you have repeated daily etc etc....but of course the moment you're in a hurry the keys are not in the basket on the side table.....or in the vicinity of the side table....or even in close proximity of the hall in the which the side table is situated....instead they are eventually discovered in the fridge.......I believe I have mentioned the 'lumpy pavement' variety of Gremlins in a previous entry....obviously they have different roles and obligations to aggravate and humiliate the human population.

Today various Gremlins were at work....for starters the weather Gremlin had seen fit to provide a miserably damp and grey day. I opened my curtains and was immediately greeted with a huge, and disgustingly runny, dollop of bird poop....of which I'm unfortunately going to have to put up with until either the next heavy down pour or a good Samaritan randomly decides to jet wash my bedroom window.

At work I set too distributing vital supplies in a visually appeasing and functional manner, while multi-tasking, when needed, as money handler/sustenance provision liaison /gossip girl/Co-op tomtom.....to aid with the distribution...OK,OK so it's officially called shelf-stacking....I seconded a shopping trolley and dutifully began my day....soon I was hearing bells.....the, not so subtle, indication that my talents are needed elsewhere and so to the tills I trundled...several minutes, a few dozen slightly confused and completely deaf cotton tops with purses full of change, two leaky milks and a pack of broken eggs, later and I returned to my original task at hand....only to discover that a Gremlin (obviously related to the 'missing keys' Gremlin) had half inched my trolley full of goods......this particular Gremlin, however, actually goes by the name of Richard, a colleague, who likes to think of himself as a prankster and had moved the darn thing to confuzzle litt'l 'ol me.....that's fine, but what Rich doesn't realise is that I'm a thinker and a planner...and he should be afraid.....very afraid.

So, anyway, not a Gremlin.....later I slogged away in the loo roll isle, ensuring that the residents of the West Worthing/Goring area didn't have to resort to using yesterdays Daily Mirror/Mail/Sun to wipe their derriere...again the 'co-op call' sounded and again upon my return from battle I discovered my immaculate display of 'Charmin ultra velvet' was now in disarray.....seeing Rich in the vicinity I called him on his mischievousness asking if he again had been playing 'silly buggers'.....and with a genuine expression of bewilderment (granted it is an expression which Rich carries off on a regular basis) he denied any involvement...so then, a 'toilet roll display altering' Gremlin at large in Co-op.

Finally, I was deemed worthy of a tea break and walked the half-mile up a thousand stairs, across roofs and, today, swum through flood water to the 'staff room'....my hands were scummy from opening boxes and crawling around hands and knees (which is not as much fun as a 28 year old than it was as an 8 year old) and I wandered over to the sink to de-scum....The soap was contained in an industrial size plastic box fixed on the wall with one of those plunger type things on the top....I held out my hand under the nozzle and pushed down on the plunger...no soap...I pushed the plunger again....again, no soap....I push the plunger a third time, at which point a jet of dark green soap shot out of the nozzle, missed my hand completely and spread a line of green slime up my arm, along my shirt sleeve and over my shoulder, dispersing across and chair and table halfway across the room and leaving me with the feeling I'd just been 'slimed'.....the rest of my break was spent trying to rid my being of the industrial soap, which smelled not unlike industrial waste....there was a definite 'sticking plunger' Gremlin at work there me thinks.

And finally......fortunately my green-eyed regular was back in today....unfortunately I wasn't on till and so didn't serve him....fortunately I was wandering round the shop floor 'working' which was a great excuse to admire from afar....unfortunately there was no excuse to initiate conversation....fortunately stocking low shelves enabled me to oogle his basket.