Thursday, January 26, 2012

Lets Get Physical

News Flash...Exercise is good for you...apparently.  I tend to disagree, usually soon after I have slogged my way through a 2 hour session at the gym.  I feel neither healthy nor particularly fit looking, as the sweat runs down my face and back, plastering my fringe to my face with a constant need to sort out a wedgie and pulling some super unattractive faces as I try to keep up with my routine.  The girl next to me is running faster, puffing far less, glowing instead of sweating and doesn't have a hair out of place.  More than once I have imagined her tripping on a shoelace and being flung halfway across the gym, does that make me an evil person?

I push on like the trooper that I am though, as I'm aware of the many benefits and, in my particular case, keeping me borderline sane for a few times a week from a chemical high (though I've heard a similar thing can be achieved from gratuitous consumption of chocolate, something I'm not objecting too per-se, but am not keen on the other side affects of this)

I have seen a change since I started this form of torture...dropped two dress sizes, lost over 2 and a half stone, can once again sit on my haunches when kneeling (a skill not to be sniffed at and is alas neglected to be appreciated after the age of 10) much better balance, calves that have a shape which much less resemble a tree trunk and am regularly amused by my fellow patrons some of which seem to think they are on display at Venice Beach rather than Bognor Regis....still waiting for someone to be slung across the room from being overly ambitious on the running machine, which is most disappointing as according to You've Been Framed it is an extremely regular occurance.

I do struggle though, it's tough to continue to at pace when you're inner moppet is desperately encouraging you to belt out tunes from Glee as they come on my iPod and then there's the tunes which are a regular staple at I diligently carry on with the cross trainer or be the only person in the gym cracking on with a flawless Swamp Thing routine? it's a conundrum.

Today I nearly incurred a nasty injury on the Pectoral machine, there I was halfway through my reps, desperately trying to not to pull too many strange faces, when a chap started doing weights opposite me.  Not an uncommon occurrence, except for the fact that this chap was the spitting image of actor/stuntman and convention favourite Dan Payne.  I was puzzling over his uncanny resemblance when the fella started doing some stretches, lunges and lots of.....bending, during one very flexible maneuver I nearly popped my shoulder!

For those not in the know, this is Dan Payne doing what he does best:

Ack, well at least there's one more reason to keep up with this gym gumpf...I'm still waiting for my six pack to come through, it's currently more of a large one pack, my buns are yet to feel like anything remotely like steel and I'm pretty sure one day I will expire on the rowing machine, though if that happens mayhap 'looks like Dan Payne' will be able to assist ;-)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Eyes Hurt, Skin Hurts, Tongue to Big for Mouth

The moment I realised I was about to come down with some kind of plague wasn't when my sister-in-law lost her voice over Christmas, it wasn't when father became more woolly minded than usual around two weeks later, it wasn't even when mother virtually hacked up and lung whilst we were catching up with the exploits of, the moment I realised my future was the joys of every piece of food tasting like cardboard, a continuous swarm of mosquitoes in my head, both shivering and sweating at the same time and the mucus...for the love of God, the mucus...yes that moment was when the various folk sharing the same carriage as I last week seemed intent on superfluously spreading every infected molecule across the train in a world where obviously the humble tissue had never been invented.  Why use such devices when you can sneeze spittle half the length of the carriage, cough phlegm onto the back of the seat in front or even wipe mucus onto seat coverings...obviously more absorbent than a man size Kleenex...and then touch the 'open door' button the stop before mine.  And so I shall wrap myself in my duvet as my nose turns a lovely shade of raw red and my lungs test whether a cough or sneeze works as well as regular breathing techniques....And I may or may not watch my entire collection of Harry Potter films in a hallucinogenic haze.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

S**t my dad does

For many years now I have known that my dad is different from other dads.  At around 10 years old I came to the conclusion that I had reached the point in time which I had matured beyond the realms that my father ever would.  It doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just that at times we as a family have to cringe when out in public with the chap.

This week was no exception.  We visited the cineplex to finally catch some of those movies which have been floating around, but which we had been avoiding over the Christmas period due to the high percentage of kids who throw popcorn anywhere but in their mouths which are constantly in use though out the film, which is apparently so complex to their brains a exposition track should be included as standard (the 12a certification is an abomination which should be disposed of immediately).  Sherlock Holmes was the choice and was pleasing in concept, tone, action and witty dialogue (only outdone by Sherlock presently on the beeb). 

We left the cinema having our post movie chatter as we walked back to the car, a couple a few yards in front of our little group.  As we approached the car the chap in front pressed the button to unlock his car and, in a show of perfectly timed Jedi hi-jinx, the lights of our own car flashed as it unlocked right next to the fella.  The chap did one of those highly comical Acme double-takes and for a full 30 seconds thought he had somehow unlocked our car with his key fob.  He was subsequently laughed out of the car park.  Dad maintained the look of a chap very pleased with himself for the next 8-12 hours, every so often chuckling to himself in a Dr. Evil kind of manner...I nearly sprained my eyes due to constant rollage.

Sunday, January 01, 2012 it me you're looking for...

 *Blows dust of Blog*....Ahem....*room echoes* If there is indeed anyone still in the vicinity, this Blog is now officially functional again.  I would like to say I have been immensely busy and super popular, to the point that spending anytime processing and writing down events was deemed impossible for the human form...I'd like to say that, but it would be a big fat indulgent lie. 

It's not that I haven't done anything, in fact there are a few new ventures in which I am partaking, and some very memorable events which have occurred...I intend to fill in these gaps in my existence soon, in glorious tecnicolor even, but for now, just is a picture of a gingerbread house.