This one's a bit of a doozy so try not to fall asleep.....
Personally I'm a big Kavan fan, from that moment of team bonding in Runner: Lorne: 'Wow, you really must be some kind of genius' McKay: 'Well as a matter of fact....eh, wait a minute why would you say that now?' Lorne: 'Something must have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time.'....classic....and the man has a smile which should come with some kind of health warning...mostly though Kavan Smith is an absoulte riot who, by his own admission, loves to come to conventions where he can tell embarassing stories and swear....alot.
First up was my friend Philippa who had manged to get a sneaky interview with Kavan behind the scenes (lucky so and so) and she asked his opinion on a recent survey on GateWorld about who may have been the gay character on the show (apparently as mentioned on Joe Mallozzi's blog, if memory serves)....Lorne came out (no pun intended) with the highest vote at 40%....prompting an incredulously 'What!' response...and that he would have thought it'd be David (Hewlett).
One of his first stories started with the fairly unusal 'I'm not a racist...in any way shape or form' (ooookay?).....the senario was that he once met a very pissed off and frustrated Danny Glover in a hot tub (as you do)...apparently Glover had had lots of people fussing around him while he was obviously trying to relax and Kavan just continued to read his book as the Lethal Weapon star joined him. He seemed to cool off as he realised Kavan wasn't about to bother him and then asked him what he was reading....Kavan didn't answer him....Glover asked again...Kavan lowered his book stating 'Oh, I don't talk to coloureds' and went back to reading his book (a ruckus of shocked gasps and laughter from the audience).....'I counted, figured I had about 2 seconds before I got hit before saying.....I'm just kidding, you looked tense i thought I'd lighten it up' where after apparently Glover did.....may I add, that is perhaps a rather dangerous sense of humour you have there Mr. Smith.
He thinks that the fans at Wolf are 'the most normal people at a convention' (if Kavan says so then it must be true......ahem) 'The States are fuckin' crazy'....he continues to say that his first convention was one with 45,000 people (possibly Dragoncon) where the guests sit in little booths as people file past getting autographs. One woman, dressed as Robin (of 'Batman &' fame...just in case you spent your formative years with your head in a bucket of molasses) The woman complete with cape and leotard described by Kavan as 'a substantial woman....probably not given easily to flight....but she thought she oculd fly....she really thought she could fly' He proceeds to demonstrate said ladies flying technique on stage.....'I'm going to look 40% gay as I do this' (he does the standard 8 year old in the play ground impression of a plane)....'she saw me, stopped and did this....' strikes an equally 40% gay hands on hips pose...at which point he turned to his chaperone and asked if he could take a bathroom break (apparently the code for 'I need to get away from the crazy people' at conventions) She also spoke to him in a weird computerized type voice of which Kavan also did an impression 'hel-lo, wel-come to the con-ven-tion.....(think ABC Warrior Robot in Judge Dredd....huh, did I just admit to seeing Judge Dredd *whistles and backs away from comment*).....she babbled some shit about computers then (mimes checking his watch) oh, gotta go' at this point Kavan again does an impression af the crazy 'Robin' woman doing a comedy Superhero exit....'And she 'flew' off.'
Kavan on his co-stars:
David Hewlett - Bitch, industrious little fucker and '58'
Jason Mamoa - Insane
Joe Flanigan - Interesting, moody when he doesn't get his coffee and smart
Rachel Luttrell - Babe
Paul McGillion - Pretends to work out, full of shit (this relating to a story in which Kavan had observed Paul in the gym not doing an awful lot then, when Paul saw Kavan, he started puffing and saying he'd worked up quite a sweat)
Amanda Tapping - Awesome, beautiful...'A Producer on Sanctuary so must say nice things'
David Nykl - Combs his hair with buttered toast (probably better not to ask)
Jewel Staite - Sweetheart and a kid (Jewel has been in the business forever and Kavan has known her since she was a child and still thinks of her this way)
And on Chuck Campbell:
'Chuck?' (looks like answer should be obvious) 'you fuckin' kidding me?, Chuck is a saint, probably the nicest man I've ever met (crowd 'awws' and agrees) 'I'm not even gonna try to make fun of Chuck cos he's too fuckin' nice....I could say things like he looks like a bobble-head, but I won't, because he's so nice....I could say that he looks oddly premature grey, but I wont' cos he's so fuckin' nice.....I could say that he's got some kind of weird tourettes thing cos he never stops moving, but I won't because he's so nice.' (I think there was a compliment in there somewhere)
He once hosted a house party which got out of hand and decided to encourage the troublemakers to leave by walking round the house holding a shotgun '14 year old kids aren't that bright....I haven't learnt much since....but I was particularly dumb then' (I'd like to believe this isn't the case...really, I would). The party goers still refused to leave so Kavan loaded the shot gun, the groups gathered outside but were still being a tad slow on the uptake to vacate....'so I shot a street lamp....and everybody left' (riiight....*coughs* crazy crazy Kavan *coughs*)
Kavan once dated a ranch girl and when visiting he tried to impress her by joining in with the family past time of clay pigeon shooting....'the only time I'd fired a gun was at a street lamp....and it wasn't moving' but the intrepid fella had a go anyway. He managed to blast the first one by total fluke, but acted as if he was part gunslinger (yes, indeed silly, but I mentioned there was a girl present right?)...so on the next occasion shooting he kept up with the bravado mentioning something about 'not wanting to embarass' the other gentlemen present. So they launched one of the discs, Kavan waits continuing with his cocky new found skills with a shot gun but.....he waits a tad too long and the disc suddenly drops from the sky...Kavan mimes his shock and subsequent shooting action...and he fires into the ground, narrowly missing the family pet 'I hit six inches behind the dog...5 foot in front of me'....mimes the dog's 'what the fuck' expression. (note to self, when Kavan's in pocession of a fire arm....kiss your ass goodbye)
I asked what the weirdest thing Kavan had experienced as an actor (now I'll let you into a little secret...I'd heard a rumour, though I won't disclose my sources, of a story Kavan has involving a role he had on the Outer Limits....so as he pondered over the question I was virtually screaming in my head 'tell the Outer Limits story'....fortunately no screaming at the guest was needed)
The audition was held in a small trailer and the director asked if Kavan had seen When Harry Met Sally, specifically the infamous scene with Meg Ryan, to which Kavan said he had...the director then said 'Well I need you to do that...and at the climax...all of the sudden you get eaten by an alien' (Kavan pulls a shocked and dismayed look as audience has a good chuckle) he continues 'being an actor it's difficult to comit to a scene like that without feeling like an idiot' Kavan goes on to do a few half hearted maons and groans, mock humping and a lackluster 'ahhhhh' as he's devoured by the 'alien'....as he did several times in the audition....'There I am, shirt off, done this 7 or 8 times....completely humiliated....the walls of the trailer were paper thin.....when I finally walked out I was so dejected and so depressed'....he then had to walk past all the other actors waiting who looked dumfounded and quite possibly slightly frightened....Kavan trudges across stage, head hung (the audience already in fits and I'd wager more than one envisioning Kavan with his shirt off)
He later recieved a phone call from his agent 'oh, they loved you, you did great, you're the first choice....but the studio called back and thought you were kinda gay....too femine, they want you to go back and do it all again....but as a man'....Kavan replays earlier mock humping but with a deeper and more 'manly' voice...which obviously did the trick as he got the job.
Just as the audience are recovering from the 'audition' story, Kavan then tells of the shooting process. The Outer Limits was filmed at a time with 'pre-historic ages of green screen' and his guest star was none other than Alyssa Milano (some will remember her as a witch on Charmed....readers of a somewhat older persuasion as Tony Danza's daughter in Who's the Boss)....she was asked if she would film the scene naked (no doubt for purely artistic reasons) and her answer was 'yeah whatever....if Kavan does'....Kavan however was less keen on the idea 'you can become demasculated in a hurry in front of a large group of people' so his agent asked for a ridiculously large sum of money thinking they'd never pay it....never underestimate the power of a potentially naked pretty lady to studio bosses....as they agreed.
So, they began filming the scene, in a bedroom, the actors in a clinch with a 'sock' to protect Kavan's modesty 'when your embarassed and cold...there's nothin' for the sock to hang onto'....Kavan mimes the frustration of the director 'sock! sock!' (at this point and in visual imagery overload there is much belly laughing in the room)....The the 'action', as it were,
moved to the green screen area when the scene was to be played out again ready for the computer techs to turn Alyssa into an alien and absorb Kavan (fyi the episode is called Caught in the Act and Kavan's character simply called 'Quarterback'....if you should want to seek it out)
Strangely the actors were placed on a pedestal for the green screen sequence (I'm guessing for the purposes of camera angles and then later the cgi) 'And they call it a skeleton crew....but it's bullshit....they're all fuckin' hiding and watching'
Kavan stands to once again demonstrate the awkwardness as he and Alyssa re-inacted the scene, whilst watching a monitor to ensure they are in the right position for the later computer effects.....much air humping, Kavan placing hands on an imaginary butt whilst making the 'manly' grunting noises....attempting to convince us motley crew that it was the most 'un-sexy thing in the world' .....the humiliation complete, Kavan had returned to his trailer to 'lick his wounds' as Alyssa filmed some close ups, then he gets a knock on the door 'okay, Kavan, your turn' (Kavan does an excellent Tim 'the tool man' Taylor double take) 'What?.....fuck'....'So, I had to go on my own, on this pedestal, in front of the green screen and 'bullshit' skeleton crew.....naked....with a sock, which wouldn't stay on....having sex with myself this time....I can't comit'.....he goes on to do more impressions of the traumatic experience....'Oh, this is so gay'....more air humping (the atmosphere in the room is one of dozens of people crying with laughter)....more 'manly' grunting, repositioning of hands to approximate Alyssa's butt height....then Kavan flings his arms wide at the climax finishing with 'Ahhhhhhhh!!!!.....end scene' adding (through the gales and gales of laughter and applause) 'so that was fuckin' humiliating.'
I have much kudos for Kavan after telling that particular story and told him so at the autographs, apologising for the embarassment my question had caused...talk about 'can open, worms everywhere'.....he was totally cool with it, he knows how well the stories are recieved at cons.....and I even got a hug too. (Kavan Smith is an absolute legend!)
Other Kavan moments include:
He narrates a documentary on jets and another on a military academy
Once sold encyclopedias door to door
Had the need to hose down a patron at the gay bar he once tended in
Was told in the audtion for SGA to tone down his megawatt smile as he would out shine everyone on the show (damn straight!)
On David Hewletts baby: 'he's a surprisingly quiet child....the first time I met him I thought he was plotting my death....like the Chuck Norris slogan....he doesn't sleep, he waits...Baz just waits....I don't know what the fuck that kid's waiting for'
Lorne will be in the Stargate Atlantis movie but at present the project seems to be stalling due to finances.
Likens his singing ability to that of a 'watching a train wreck'
Is writing a childrens picture book
'Balled his ass off' to Dancer in the Dark
Would pay a buck 65 to kiss Paul McGillion 'but for a buck 65 I'd get to spit on him when I was done' (again, probably best not to ask)
So, there you go....all the guests, all the fun and, most definately, all the madness.....I do have one more entry to make before I am done with all which is Wolf Pegasus Four.....which will include more pics, more video and a couple more chucklesome tales.....so stay tuned.